I’m puttin it out there, Phro and I talked about this in Episode 47 but I wanna elaborate more, because this CONTINUES to be a damn issue no matter where I am. For whatever reason, different handshakes and greetings are bleeding over into different evironments and it’s making everything confusing and embarassing. Today my friends, I’m gonna iron this shit out RIGHT NOW and create a definitive guide to hand shakes and greetings for guys like me who have to deal with the business world which is sometimes intertwined with the hip-hop world and circus carny world. Full solutions descriptions and visual aids after the jump.
- The “Business Man”
- Description: Okay, this is the most common hand shake (such as the one pictured above). Everyone knows the “Business Man” shake. Firm grip steady shake. Simple enough.
- The Problem: You are at a meeting with a few A&R’s and you go for the “Business Man” and they go for the dap. The whole shake becomes a big ass train wreck and both sides get frustrated and embarrassed like a couple of clowns.
- The Solution: You’ll find this is my solution to every problem mentioned here. It’s all in the approach. If you are making the move for the business hand shake, then you should make the approach elbow bent, forearm straight with hand in the shape of a goddam mitten (illustrated above). This way both parties know what to expect. If the other dude ain’t doing the same, well he’s a DAMN BITCH.
- The “What up fam”
- Description: Everyone in hip-hop knows this one. Some call it a “dap”, I don’t because people also call a “pound” a “dap” and sometimes the “dap” turns into a one armed hug as you “dap”. For me, I’m cool with all of it, but sometimes I go for the “Business Man” and get the “What up fam” or vice versa. With Phro, I’ll go for the “What up fam” and he gives me the “holy shit, special mid mobb twirl around and do the hokey pokey” version. Yeah confusing for some of you wannabe dip shits out there, so let me drop a little knowledge for your ass.
- The Problem: You are meeting with a few artists and you’re gonna get them some big ass advertising deal. You go for the “What up Fam” and they go for the “Business Man”. Again, ends up like a cross between a bologna sandwich and a got damn train wreck. Dude is squeezing your half curled hand while you’re trying pull back. Thumbs are all getting bent backward, knuckles are popping, oh damn it’s just a big ass embarrassing mess.
- The Solution: Again, it’s the approach. If you’re gonna go for a dap, get that upper arm and forearm out to the side, hand somewhat open. (illustrated above) That way people know you’re comin in on some other shit and not for a straight up “Business Man” shake.
- The…..”high five”
- Description: Yeah people still do it. Hard to believe but they do. In fact it just happened to me today. It could be a high five, or just a smack five, but dudes need to get their shit straight.
- The Problem: Problem is, unless you’re in sports, NOBODY should be high fiving. If you are, go put on some leg warmers and perm your hair cuz you’re a little bitch stuck in the 80′s. But sometimes you come in contact with someone who is. They go for a five, and you go for a dap, because they positioned themselves for one. Again, it ends up a big ass hot mess. They are goin for the smack, you’re trying to lock their hand, it just ends up being a big ole confusing ball of gayness and awkwardness.
- The Solution: APPROACH! AGAIN! Got dammit! If you want a high five or a low five or a smack, whatever, then position yourself for it. Put your damn hand out palm completely open and horizontal to the damn ceiling. Flat, open, palm (illustrated above). Don’t be extending your arm out to the side lookin for a dap and then smack. You’re in for trouble. No fuck that, you’re in for trouble even if you ask me for a high five, low five, whatever cuz I aint even feelin’ that gay shit anyway. you stinky 80′s bastard.
So there you have it. I hope this helps solve any confusion with greeting your business contacts, your boys or gay 80′s bitches down the road and avoid any confusion or embarassment. So if anyone tries changing the “approach” up on you and you get into one of these damn tangled messes I always see myself in, direct their ass here to hoodhype and straighten that ass out.